I have an odd relationship with food.
I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for years (officially, since I was 17 for the depression, and 21 for the anxiety, but judging by my journals, it goes back to when I was 12). My grandpa had heart surgery when I was 19, and after that, he was never the same. I was his main caregiver, since my grandma and mom couldn’t do much to help him.
And so I turned to food to make myself feel better. Food was there when I was happy, when I was sad, when I was angry. It made me feel better, and eating to make myself feel better was a lot easier than dealing with what was going on and with what I was feeling.
I’ve felt like I was fat since I was 12, and for all of high school, I really wasn’t. It’s only been the last 5 years or so that I gained a lot of weight- all because I didn’t really care about what I was putting in my mouth. Even though I’m vegetarian, and have been since I was 17, my diet was still pretty bad.
The last couple years or so, I’ve definitely made more of an effort to actually cook, instead of relying on tv dinners, and prepackaged veggie burgers. I’ll eat them every once in a while, but they’re not a main part of my diet now.
I know it’s cliche, but I really do feel better when I actually eat well, and cooking is always a good thing to know how to do. I’m still an emotional eater, but I try and put some thought into it. Am I eating because I’m hungry, or is it because I’m bored or using it cope with something? I don’t always do it, and sometimes I eat when I’m bored or whatever. But I’m getting better at thinking about what I’m eating, and why. Having healthy stuff on hand helps, and I try not to buy a lot of junk food. Being the one who does the grocery shopping helps a lot, but not completely, since I’m buying food for my grandma too.
I’m positive I can get my eating under control, and it has gotten easier. The more I do it, the easier it’ll get, so I’m hoping that one day, I won’t turn to food to make me feel better.